I read, I hear, I talk to people. I get annoyed. I feel feelings. I really just want to be alone. I have to get myself out. Pull myself out of my house. Make myself doing things. I do not like proper grammar. I do not like formal things.
I have a hard time, read, incapable, to have a full time job. I love to teach. I am Ms.Bossy. That somehow only works for teaching in my life. I also had to learn how to listen before I allowed myself being Ms. Bossy.
My friends all moved out of NYC, got kids, mid life crises, mortgages, summer houses, ambitions, accents of ambitions (which is nice!), sugar mummies and daddies, basically anything one can think of they got. They also got no time! To hang, to talk, to be a friend. No blaming my friends. I understand…. that is how it is for now!
I often wonder what I got. Basically everything I ever wanted, really. I got it. More or less… Once I got into NY Times and got published I had to stop and think… what is up with me, I get what I want and I am not really wanting that any more. So now I am into really not wanting.
I want maybe a tattoo with DO NOT DISTURB sign.
I also judge. I hate when I do it but I keep on doing it. While doing so I am also afraid of being judge and most importantly I hate being envois of. I have ENVY. ENVY is scary. It is, I think, like an evil eye. And those go far. They eat my confidence and happiness and paralyze me.
So what am I, never to share what is in my head, or otherwise? To no one?
No solution here so far.
In any case I feel movement… the thought of making a blog was in my head for a long time. Now I have this blog and I ll be just posting things.
I hope it is anonymous and I will stop self censorship shortly and post CRAP… that comes out of my head. Some say I am funny so it maybe a funny one but probably angry as well with a touch of angst. Will see.